How to Win at the Mennonite Game: A Comprehensive Guide

The Mennonite Game is easy to play, but difficult to master. For years Mennonites have been playing the game, but after all this time, no winner has been determined for the simple reason that there was no clear set of rules. Using the following points system, Mennonites can tally up their scores throughout their lifetimes and have their final total printed on their tombstones for future Mennonites to see. This game is appropriate for all ages, and although younger people will have more time to tally points, older Mennonites certainly have the advantage when it comes to knowledge about aunts and uncles and cousins-once-removed.

1. Any time you are asked, “Who is your father? or “Who is your mother?” – 5 points
2. Any time you ask someone else these same questions – 5 points
3. If you are asked these questions and actually have an answer – 10 points
4. If you can ask and answer in Plautdietsch – 20 points
5. If the asker ruffles up your hair or pinches your cheek while asking – 10 points
6. If you ask someone who they are related to and it turns out they aren’t Mennonite – minus 5 points
7. Any time you are asked by a stranger what church you go to – 10 points
8. If you name some local Mennonite church in reply – 20 points
9. If you’re lying when you say it – minus 5 points
10. If you don’t attend church except for Christmas and Easter – 5 points
11. If you used to attend but don’t anymore – 2 points
12. If you’ve been completely turned off by church because of how you were treated in the past and spend an hour or two ranting to the asker about this – minus 50 points
13. Owning a family history book – 5 points per book
14. Politely smiling and thanking your Uncle Gerhard for the spiral-bound self-published history book – 15 points
15. Actually reading the bloody thing – 50 points
16. Tracing at least one line of ancestors back to Russia, Germany or Prussia – 5 points
17. Tracing at least one line of ancestors back to The Netherlands, Belgium, or Switzerland – 10 points
18. Discovering a non-Mennonite in your family tree – minus 10 points
19. Discovering a famous Mennonite in your family tree (like crazy man Claas Epp or Nebraska senator Peter Jansen) – 20 points
20. Finding a relation to Menno Simons – 100 points
21. Visiting an important Mennonite historic site – 20 points
22. Defacing it – minus 50 points
23. If you can name all your cousins including the really young ones – 10 points
24. If you can name at least one second cousin – 10 points
25. Marrying a first cousin – 50 points
26. Marrying a second cousin – 40 points
27. Marrying a third cousin – 30 points
28. Marrying a fourth cousin or higher – 20 points
29. Marrying a first cousin-once removed – 40 points
30. Marrying a second cousin-once removed – 30 points
31. Marrying a third cousin-once removed – 20 points
32. Marrying anyone else in the Loewen Book – 10 points
33. Divorcing any of the aforementioned people – minus 10 points
34. Having relatives on both sides of the Red River – 5 points
35. Each time you cross the river to visit them – 2 points per trip
36. Having relatives who still live in the old country – 20 points
37. If your middle name is your mother’s maiden name – 20 points
38. If you know what ‘Grandma’s Window’ is without having to Google it – 20 points
39. If you actually have a subscription to it – 40 points
40. Routinely referring to your relatives as “frintschoft” – 20 points
41. If you understand that the Mennonites are a religious denomination, and not actually an ethnicity – 1000 points