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Desperate Catholic Church Offering Sainthood To Anyone Who Regularly Attends Weekly Mass

Alerting faithful around the world to changes regarding its process of beatification and canonization, Vatican spokesman Fr. Federico Lombardi announced today that the Roman Catholic Church will now bestow sainthood on any man or woman who attends weekly mass on a regular basis. “After careful deliberation and prayer, the Church has elected to enter any believer into the Canon of Saints so long as he or she is pure of heart and shows up to mass once a week, or even three out of four times a month.”

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No Confirmation of Strippers at Brethren Nursing Homes

The elderly residents of a non-Brethren nursing home saw their shuffleboards replaced by washboard abs when they were subjected to a low-rent Chippendale’s striptease in the facility’s rec room, a new lawsuit claims.

The son of one 85-year-old resident was shocked when he showed up for a visit and found a picture of his mom stuffing dollar bills — which are supposed to be locked away in her commissary account — into a dancer’s briefs.

The image also showed several  residents at the non-Brethren nursing home  looking on with a mix of shock and delight as the dancers bumped and ground for their amusement.

The irate son confronted a nurse, but the staffer lunged at him and tried to snatch the picture away, a lawsuit states.
A nurse later told another of the victim’s sons that the strip show was an “entertainment event” for the patients and was done in “good faith,” according to the suit.

“Hiring male stippers to perform for the defendant’s nursing-home patients was a serial occurrence,” the suit claims.

The facility did not immediately return a call for comment.

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