Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Walking Machine

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Pining For Fjords

It's Not a Dead Spiral

Insuree: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.


Insuree: 'Ello, Miss?

BBT: What do you mean "miss"?

Insuree: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

BBT: We're closin' for lunch.

Insuree: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this spiral what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

BBT: Oh yes, the, uh, the Brethren Medical Plan... What's,uh... What's wrong with it?

Insuree: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

BBT: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Insuree: Look, matey, I know a dead spiral when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

BBT: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable spiral, the Brethren Medical Plan, idn'it, ay? Beautiful coverage!

Insuree: The coverage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

BBT: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Insuree: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the plan)

Insuree: 'Ello, Mister Medical Plan! I've got lovely fresh membership for you if you show...

(BBT hits the cage)

BBT: There, he moved!

Insuree: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

BBT: I never!!

Insuree: Yes, you did!

BBT: I never, never did anything...

Insuree: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO PLAN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes plan out of the cage and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Insuree: Now that's what I call a dead plan.

BBT: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Insuree: STUNNED?!?

BBT: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Brethren Medical Plans stun easily, major.

Insuree: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That plan is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

BBT: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Insuree: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

BBT: The Brethren Medical Plan prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable plan, id'nit, squire? Lovely coverage!

Insuree: Look, I took the liberty of examining that plan when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.


BBT: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that plan down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Insuree: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this plan wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

BBT: No no! 'E's pining!

Insuree: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This plan is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PLAN!!


BBT: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

BBT: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of plans.

Insuree: I see. I see, I get the picture.

BBT: I got a slug.


Insuree: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it provide coverage?

BBT: Nnnnot really.


BBT: Look, if you go to my brother's office in Bolton, he'll replace the plan for you.

Insuree: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


More Troubles for Pat

While Pat Robertson is busy issuing apologies for his Venezuelan faux pas there's plenty hot water to be gotten into. One inexplicable act follows another and now he's in the hot seat for peddling an age-defying elixer.

The Association of Brethren Caregivers (ABC) and Brethren Press have announced that they have no plans to market a competing product and that the talk about the Granddaughter's Inglenook Miracle Drink is only a rumor.

Sunday, August 21, 2005



Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. Many people around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is believed that it was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. Pastafarians feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

who will be first?

Who Will Be Eaten First?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

ILWI Query

District to Close More Congregations

The Illinois/Wisconsin district, which has seen several congregations close over the past several years, is continuing to do its best at continuing this trend.

After several congregations were unable to pass a query to their district conference, a new query has been proposed.

Proposed Query:
The Church of the Brethren
Position on Sin

Whereas, our Lord Jesus Christ warned us that we should "not think that" He "came to abolish the Law or the Prophets...but to fulfill" the Word of God since "not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the Law...." (Matt. 5:17-18);

Whereas, there is continued confusion about the issue of sin in the Church of the Brethren;

Whereas, there is more confusion about sin and much promotion of sinners in our culture;

Whereas, there are leaders in the Church of our Lord Jesus Christ inside and outside of our denomination who are refusing to call sin "sinful," who are allowing sinners to become official Church members and leaders in good standing, and who are uniting sinners in ceremonies;

Whereas, the Scriptures plainly teach that those who do not repent of sin cannot become nor be members or leaders in good standing in the Church (Matt. 18:15-20, 1 Cor. 5:13);

Whereas, the love of our Lord Jesus Christ compels our Churches to minister to sinners by calling them to repent so that they can become transformed as God intended and become new creatures in Christ (Luke 13:5, Acts 17:30, 1 Cor. 6:9-11, 2 Cor. 5:17, Rev. 3:19);

Therefore, we, the undersigned Churches, meeting in our Church Councils do hereby bring the following query: Will the Church of the Brethren explicitly and plainly state that sin is sin, and will the Church of the Brethren forbid those persons who engage in or promote sinful behavior from becoming or continuing as members in the Church?

Action: Proposing unanimous approval by the Astoria Church of the Brethren Church Council in Astoria, IL; by the Allison Prairie Church of the Brethren Church Council in Lawrenceville, IL; the Cherry Grove Church of the Brethren Church Council in Lanark, IL; the Walnut Grove Church of the Brethren Church Council in Noble, IL; the LaMotte Prairie Church of the Brethren Church Council in Palestine, IL; the Martin Creek Church of the Brethren Church Council in Fairfield, IL; the Oak Grove Church of the Brethren Church Council in Washburn, IL; the Romine Church of the Brethren Church Council in Salem, IL; the Oakley Brick Church of the Brethren Church Council in Cerro Gordo, IL; and the Virden Church of the Brethren Church Council in Virden, IL.