Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014

PAUL'S LETTERS: tl;dr edition

People: We did the things.

Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things.

People: Okay.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

THE GOSPELS: tl;dr edition

Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore.
Healed people: Okay! Thank you!

Other people: We've never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.

Jesus: I have never done the things.

Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things.

Pilate: Did you do the things?

Jesus: No.

Pilate: He didn't do the things.

Other people: Kill him anyway.

Pilate: Okay.

Jesus: Guys

Saturday, December 13, 2014


God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.

People: We won't do the things.

God: Good.

People: We did the things.

God: Guys

Friday, December 12, 2014

GENESIS: tl;dr edition

http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/2mpv2r/the_stories_of_the_bible_in_tldr_form/God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

Satan: You should do the thing.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

God: What happened!?

Adam & Eve: We did the thing.

God: Guys

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

Speaking in front of a nondescript altar surrounded by candles, burning sticks of incense, and a small golden statue of the Buddha, Rinpoche did not specify when or where an assault of profound inner stillness would occur, but stated in no uncertain terms that the fundamentalist Buddhist cell plans to target all Western suffering.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

“Wisdom and virtue to America!” continued Rinpoche. “Wisdom and virtue to all living things on earth!”

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Italian Scientists Acquitted of Culpability in Earthquake

Seven natural disaster specialists had previously been convicted of manslaughter for not being emphatic enough about the 2009 quake, which killed 309 people, but that conviction's been overturned by an appeals court.

At a special meeting held to calm anxious residents a week before the 6.3-magnitude quake hit, the panel concluded that it was "unlikely" that a big earthquake would follow the tremors, but also stressed that "there are no instruments to make forecasts."

The former deputy chief of Italy's civil protection authority, Bernardino de Bernadinis, told press at the time that there was "no danger" because the small shocks were acting to relieve seismic pressure.

Relatives of the victims claimed that such reassurances had persuaded many residents to remain in their homes, thus causing their death in the quake. The relatives took legal action against the experts, leading to their conviction.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Brethren Nirvana

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. But apparently not loud enough as kids because the tiny portions we got from those standard-sized ice scream scoopers pale in comparison to what this monster can serve up in one fell scoop.

The super-sized scooper that doles out an entire pint of ice cream at once. That's a full pint of the good stuff there, ready to crush cones and overflow bowls.

The 4"-diameter bowl is made from high-quality 18/10 stainless steel that will stay shiny for years of ice cream socials and birthday parties, while the handle is constructed of sturdy brass plated with food-safe chrome.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

Why conservative Christians would have hated Jesus

Jesus never could have been the pastor of a contemporary evangelical church nor a conservative Roman Catholic bishop. Evangelicals and conservative Roman Catholics thrive on drawing distinctions between their “truth” and other people’s failings. Jesus by contrast, set off an empathy time bomb that obliterates difference.

Jesus’ empathy bomb explodes every time a former evangelical puts love ahead of what the “Bible says.” It goes off every time Pope Francis puts inclusion ahead of dogma. It goes off every time a gay couple are welcomed into a church. Jesus’ time bomb explodes whenever atheists follow Jesus better than most Christians.

Put it this way: Godless non-church-going Denmark mandates four weeks of maternity leave before childbirth and fourteen weeks afterward for mothers. Parents of newborn children are assisted with well-baby nurse-practitioner visits in their homes.

In the “pro-life” and allegedly “family friendly” American Bible belt, conservative political leaders slash programs designed to help women and children while creating a justifying mythology about handouts versus empowerment.

In “God-fearing America” the poor are now the “takers,” no longer the “least of these,” and many conservative evangelicals side with today’s Pharisees, attacking the poor in the name of following the Bible.

So who is following Jesus?

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Valor, strength, Courage, and Religious Displays

Hindu group wants to erect a giant statue of Lord Hanuman.

A Hindu group, the Universal Society of Hinduism, has added their voice to those wishing to place a sacred memorial on the Okla. state capitol grounds.

The Universal Society of Hinduism’s president Rajan Zed petitioned the state for “permission to place a statue of Lord Hanuman” on the public space. He goes on to say that: “This statue would raise awareness of Oklahomans about Hinduism, oldest and third largest religion of the world with about one billion adherents and a rich philosophical thought,” Zed stated.

Lord Hanuman is a Hindu monkey god who represents valor, strength, and courage. Lord Hanuman is one of the most important deities for Hindus. To learn more about Lord Hanuman and the Hindus, visit here.

The Hindu’s request for a monument comes after the Satanic Temple made a similar one.

The statue would join the 10 Commandments monument that was built in 2012, after the GOP-led state legislature passed a law that allowed religious displays three years earlier.