Monday, November 30, 2009

A Bit of a Surprise

What are you doing in Hell?

A man by the name of Ole lives to a ripe old age and dies. He awakes to find himself in Hell, which is a bit of a surprise. Still, he figures he might as well get a look around before the torture starts. He wanders over to another lost soul, who turns out to be the preacher whose church he attended as a kid.

“Father Dunn!” Ole exclaimed, “You’re a Godly man, what are you doing in Hell?”

But the preacher wouldn’t meet his eyes. The man just gives him a sickly smile and shuffles off.

Feeling unsettled now, Ole wanders over to another lost soul. Ole immediately recognizes the face from one of his textbooks: it’s Martin Luther.

“Martin Luther!” Ole shouts, “What are you, of all people, doing in Hell?”

But Luther just mutters something in German and points over to a third lost soul in the distance. Perplexed, Ole hikes up to this final man. As he draws closer, he recognizes (somehow) the figure of Saint Paul.

“Saint Paul,” cries Ole, now completely befuddled, “what’s going on?”

Paul looks at Ole for a long moment before breaking down in tears. “Works!” he weeps, “It was works all along!”

"It is not what we intend but what we do that makes us useful." — Henry Ward Beecher

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It Always Brings Joy to Our Hearts

Unreached People Groups Everywhere Rejoice over New NIV Translation

From the deepest recesses of South American Jungles to the coldest corners of Siberia, native people groups everywhere are rejoicing over the latest announcement that the English-speaking world will be spending millions of dollars for yet another English translation of the Bible. The excitement erupted after Zondervan Publishers announced that it would be making a major revision and update to its New International Version, first released in 1978

Friday, November 27, 2009

Lost and Found

God's Dice

According to messages posted simultaneously on all Lost and Found bulletin boards in the world, God, considered by many to be an important force in the creation and ongoing maintenance of the universe, has lost his dice and urgently needs them back.

The messages, which appeared in over 6,300 different languages and alphabets, request that any person who happens to spot the two dice cubes please contact God at his or her earliest possible convenience.

God's message was signed with all nine billion of His names (see attached list).

Until God's dice are found and returned to Him, scientists fear their continued absence may have serious implications on fundamental structures of the universe ranging from the process of evolution through the principles of quantum mechanics.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

the potential ability to rearrange celestial objects such as constellations in more pleasing or dramatic combinations

God Genome Project

Researchers at California's UC Davis announced today the successful completion of a three-year, highly secretive project to map God's genetic code. Originally commissioned by filmmaker James Cameron, who supplied the research team with holy genetic material on which to perform the study, the results of the God Genome project are expected to profoundly influence human conceptions of divinity and origin.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Design By Committee

"Intelligent" Design

The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by "a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting", according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Selfish Shellfish

Maine Lobster Legality

God hates shellfish. You know what's a shellfish? Lobster. Because of this, Maine has begun proceedings to ban its lobster industry.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Marriage Referendum

Maine Voters

A coalition of apparently easily confused Maine voters last night voted overwhelmingly, by a ratio of 50.24 to 49.86 percent, a new state law, titled "The Defense of Marriage Act", to "prohibit Homo sapiens marriage as well as to retroactively render null and void any previously codified unlawful marriages between consenting Homo sapiens that may have shamefully taken place up to and including the date of the final vote tally."

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Friday, November 06, 2009

If God Had Wanted

God Made Me So

"I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me to stop condemning others, He would have seen fit—in His infinite wisdom and all—to have given me the tiniest bit of human empathy necessary to do so."

"It's a simple matter of logic, really. God made me who I am, and who I am is a cold zealot. Thus, I abhor people because God made me that way. Why is that so hard to understand?"

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Sunday, November 01, 2009