Monday, December 15, 2014

PAUL'S LETTERS: tl;dr edition

http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/2mpv2r/the_stories_of_the_bible_in_tldr_form/
People: We did the things.

Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things.

People: Okay.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

THE GOSPELS: tl;dr edition

http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/2mpv2r/the_stories_of_the_bible_in_tldr_form/
Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore.
Healed people: Okay! Thank you!

Other people: We've never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking.

Jesus: I have never done the things.

Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things.

Pilate: Did you do the things?

Jesus: No.

Pilate: He didn't do the things.

Other people: Kill him anyway.

Pilate: Okay.

Jesus: Guys

Saturday, December 13, 2014

THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT: tl;dr edition

http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/2mpv2r/the_stories_of_the_bible_in_tldr_form/
God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.

People: We won't do the things.

God: Good.

People: We did the things.

God: Guys

Friday, December 12, 2014

GENESIS: tl;dr edition

http://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/2mpv2r/the_stories_of_the_bible_in_tldr_form/God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

Satan: You should do the thing.

Adam & Eve: Okay.

God: What happened!?

Adam & Eve: We did the thing.

God: Guys

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

http://www.theonion.com/articles/buddhist-extremist-cell-vows-to-unleash-tranquilit,34623/
In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

Speaking in front of a nondescript altar surrounded by candles, burning sticks of incense, and a small golden statue of the Buddha, Rinpoche did not specify when or where an assault of profound inner stillness would occur, but stated in no uncertain terms that the fundamentalist Buddhist cell plans to target all Western suffering.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

“Wisdom and virtue to America!” continued Rinpoche. “Wisdom and virtue to all living things on earth!”

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Italian Scientists Acquitted of Culpability in Earthquake

http://www.dw.de/court-acquits-natural-disaster-experts-over-laquila-quake/a-18055155
Seven natural disaster specialists had previously been convicted of manslaughter for not being emphatic enough about the 2009 quake, which killed 309 people, but that conviction's been overturned by an appeals court.

At a special meeting held to calm anxious residents a week before the 6.3-magnitude quake hit, the panel concluded that it was "unlikely" that a big earthquake would follow the tremors, but also stressed that "there are no instruments to make forecasts."

The former deputy chief of Italy's civil protection authority, Bernardino de Bernadinis, told press at the time that there was "no danger" because the small shocks were acting to relieve seismic pressure.

Relatives of the victims claimed that such reassurances had persuaded many residents to remain in their homes, thus causing their death in the quake. The relatives took legal action against the experts, leading to their conviction.