Thursday, May 14, 2015

You might be a Pastor’s Kid if . . .

  • . . . you can explain the difference between a narthex, a lobby, a fellowship hall, and the commons.
  • . . . you consider yourself the Zorro of sword drills.
  • . . . Psalty, the Donut Man, and McGee played a greater role in your upbringing than Bert, Ernie, and Mr. Rogers.
  • . . . you won at least 12 prizes for scripture memory feats.
  • . . . your high school t-shirt collection was comprised entirely of freebies from church camps, sports camps, and missions trips.
  • . . . you never ate Sunday lunch before 1:30 PM.
  • . . . you snacked on communion bread.
  • . . . everyone at church is on a first name basis with you while you’re on a “who are you?” basis with them.
  • . . . you never went to a New Year’s Eve Party because you had to be at the midnight candle light service instead.
  • . . . you’re pretty sure “don’t run in church” is the 11th commandment.
  • . . . you ever army crawled under the church pews.
  • . . . you destroyed everyone at cops ‘n robbers at church lock-ins because you knew every hiding place.
  • . . . the little old ladies all want to set you up with their grand daughters/grandsons.
  • . . . you were told to kiss dating goodbye. And didn’t listen.
  • . . . you organized paper airplane throwing contest from the church balcony.
  • . . . you knew precisely which adult Sunday school classes had the best pastries to pilfer.
  • . . . you were Picasso with the church pew golf pencil.
  • . . . you attended more weddings and funerals for strangers than for people you knew.
  • . . . you ever hit a walk off grand slam in Bible trivia baseball.
  • . . . you and a sibling used to baptize each other in the bathtub
  • . . . the scariest thing you ever dressed up as for Halloween was Goliath, except it wasn’t for Halloween; it was a Harvest Party/Fall Fest/Trunk-or-Treat.
  • . . . the old ladies’ scrutiny of you put the NSA to shame.
  • . . . you pulled shenanigans because why not? You were going to get blamed any way.
  • . . . you recommitted your life to Christ at least 7 times.
  • . . . you thought your name was So-and-so’s-son (or daughter).
  • . . . you never volunteered for anything at church because you were volunteered for everything.
  • . . . You could blackmail half the church.
  • . . . Half the church could blackmail you.
  • . . . You sat in dread each Sunday waiting for your name to be uttered from the pulpit.
  • . . . Every major holiday was interrupted by a church service.
  • . . . You know what it means to “raise my Ebenezer.”
  • . . . You can list, off the top of your head, the 10 commandments, the 12 tribes of Israel, and all 10 plagues in less than 2 minutes.
  • . . . You speak like a normal person except when you pray. Then you’re either Shakespeare or Taylor Swift with laryngitis.
  • . . . You ever re-wrote worship choruses as something . . . less wholesome.
  • . . . You knew every word of every song on every album of at least 4 CCM bands at one time.
  • . . . With a mere two words of prompting you can offer both a benediction to a service and blessing over communion.
  • . . . Your first ever concert was a Christian band. Bonus points if it was held at a church.
  • . . . You went on at least 4 short term missions trips.
  • . . . You have a mental glossary of 150 youth group games and know how to cheat at all of them.
  • . . . You got asked weekly “So, are your going to be a pastor when you grow up?”

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Watching the Bachelor: Religiously

http://iym.ptsem.edu/watching-the-bachelor-religiously/You know who you are. You’re the pastor who watches the Bachelor for research, right? Yes, I’m speaking to the male pastors too. Perhaps you find yourself shaking your head at your significant other, and saying things like, “I can’t believe you watch that trash” …and forty-five minutes later you’re all, “This show has 8.1 million viewers. I want to be the relevant pastor. I should watch this show… for research…” And poof, the Bachelor producers have scored another convert. Except instead of drinking the Kool Aid you’re drinking wine. Every week. And your commitment is unwavering…kinda like your grandma with church on Sundays.