Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

'Tis the Season

Christmas Billboard Battle

The latest salvo in the Christmas wars has landed, blocks from the New York entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel.

The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights has responded to a Christmas-debunking billboard sponsored by American Atheists just outside the New Jersey entrance of the tunnel by erecting one of their own at the other end.

The new billboard reads “You Know It’s Real: This Season Celebrate Jesus.” It shows a warm nativity scene, with Joseph and Mary staring lovingly down at an infant Jesus lying in straw in a splash of light. “Merry Christmas from the Catholic League” appears in smaller type to the right of the image and above a Catholic League insignia.

The billboard promoting atheism went up last week along I-495. It reads “You know it’s a myth. This season, celebrate reason!”

Thursday, December 23, 2010

For the Rest of Us

Taking the Christ out of Festivus

It’s not well known that Festivus is a Christian holiday, and thus it has always been. Festivus, our Christian birthright, has been stolen from us by the forces of secularism, and we have been brainwashed into thinking that it is not a sacred Christian festival. Simply look at its symbols and rituals and the Christian roots are plain for all to see.

I call on all Christians everywhere to rescue Festivus from its terrible decay. Next year, on December 23, I want to see Festivus celebrations in every Christian home. I wish to see the Festivus pole restored to its rightful place in the sanctuaries of all our churches. I want to see us refusing to allow unaddressed conflict. I want wrestling matches galore! Our Lord demands nothing less from His servants! To arms! The battle is ours to win!

Monday, December 20, 2010

The List So Far

The Fundamentalist Rulebook
  1. I am right and you are wrong. Always.
  2. Unity Means Agreeing With Me That My Pastor Is Right.
  3. The less certain something is, the more certain you must appear to be about it.
  4. If you cannot win an argument with logic you must simply outlast your opponent. Once he gives up, declare victory.
  5. There is no fight that is not worth fighting.
  6. The less fun it is the godlier it must be.
  7. Women’s primary purpose is to serve as a temptation to men. They are also somewhat useful for housework.
  8. All God’s people shall say “amen.” This is never an inappropriate response.
  9. If it is new it is bad. If it is old it is good. (with the exception that if it is really, really old then it is likely to be Catholic)
  10. There is no situation that a good dose of ministerial yelling can’t fix.
  11. Old Testament rules about sex, tattoos, women in pants, and the death penalty still apply. Old Testament rules about lobster don’t. (That is why we call this the Age of Grace)
  12. Invitations shall continue until the Spirit is satisfied that enough people have come to the altar as revealed to the pastor. The Spirit shall be extra hard to satisfy on any Superbowl Sunday.
  14. Mormons are considered to be Christians for the following purposes:
    • National Elections
    • Political Talk Shows
    • Songs for God and Country Sunday
  15. Neither this nor any other list of rules can be considered exhaustive; a majority shall always be unspoken, arbitrary, and subject to change at the whim of the authority.
  16. It’s much better to have an innocent person die than to tell a lie to a Nazi.
  17. A man is to be as much of a leader of his own house as his pastor will let him be.
  18. Thou shalt not speak out against other fundamentalists on any subject that really matters. Keep disputes as trivial as possible lest you risk having your own dirty laundry exposed.
  19. Spare the rod and spoil the child. (A “rod” being defined as a paddle, stick, belt, spatula, wooden spoon, rubber hose, truncheon, flail, or anything else that happens to be handy)
  20. A man may not wear glasses connected by a chain for if they should slip off his nose and dangle about his neck, someone may be made to think that he is wearing a necklace and that is the appearance of evil.
  21. Pastors should preach as frequently as possible on sin — preferably the sins of other people
  22. Gays are responsible for pretty much every bad thing that happens in America. Africans are responsible for the rest.
  23. We reject the authority of the Pope to speak ex cathedra on matters of doctrine. That’s what local church pastors are for.
  24. We believe in individual soul liberty — although we’ve never seen a good reason for anybody to actually use it.
  25. Dancing is an abomination unless it takes place in a classic film or on the stage of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical at a fundamentalist college.
  26. The joy, joy, joy, joy must reside down in your heart. (Where? down in your heart!)
  27. In movies sex is bad but violence is fine. (The Bible contains both but we’d rather you didn’t mention it)
  28. Prayers must be said before all meals, ball games, and road trips. As long as you’re not using the Lord’s Prayer this is not considered vain repetition.
  29. When swimming, a woman shall wear enough layers of clothing to double her weight when immersed.
  30. A Christian taking government aid is a sure sign they are not trusting God. (Not that our church is going to start paying its employees enough to live on, mind you. )
  31. If you send your child to public school you may as well brand 666 on their forehead and get it over with. No child can emerge from that den of liberalism anything other than a Gay Satanist Democrat.
  32. There are not two sides to every story. There is only the truth and the lies made up by those liberal compromisers who Satan is using to attack our ministry.
  33. We deny the mysticism of the Catholics and the signs and wonders of the charismatics. We do, however, have a litany of strange coincidences to get us totally stoked.
  34. When a pastor gets caught doing wrong his job is to deny, deny, deny. Your job is to back him up to the bitter end.
  35. “Fellowship” = “Food”
  36. In a business meeting all in favor of the pastor’s motion shall signify by saying “aye.” All opposed shall shut up if they know what’s good for them.
  37. If there’s hair touching your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
  38. Anything that annoys the pastor annoys Jesus too.
  39. Any church members who is not “here and in their place” during special meetings will be punished by being used as a sermon illustration.
  40. Nobody is allowed to criticize our ministry unless they have gone out and built a ministry of equal size. (Then we’ll ignore them because they’re liberal)
  41. Microphone feedback during a sermon is a sure sign of satanic attack against the preacher.
  42. The truth shall not be allowed to get in the way of any good sermon illustration.
  43. Any growth in our church is a sure sign of God’s blessing on our ceaseless soul winning efforts. Any growth in your church is due to seeker sensitive gimmicks and soft preaching on sin.
  44. Alcohol is allowed in your home if 1. It is hidden in cough syrup 2. You pretend not to like it 3. You consume no more than 4 bottles a week.
  45. Context? Our proof texts don’t need no stinkin’ context!
  46. The moving picture house is a bastion of wickedness. Watching the same (G Rated) movies at home is just fine.
  47. If you can’t find a Scripture verse that proves your point, substitute a quote from another fundamentalist instead. It’s practically as good.
  48. The only proper color for a man’s Bible is black. Men who choose any other color are likely to be the sort who also part their hair in the middle and enjoy cooking a little too much.
  49. Every date is a potential mate. Not that we’re trying to put pressure on you or anything.
  50. As much as we dislike Muslims, we do admire the way they keep their women in line.
  51. Bad things that happen to me and mine are persecution and attacks of Satan. Bad things that happen to you and yours are God’s judgment for your sinful ways.
  52. The King James version was written to bring the Bible into the language of the common man of the 1600′s. If today’s common man can’t understand it that’s his own stupid fault.
  53. Adding even one word Bible is sacrilege of the worst kind. Unless, of course, your pastor told you to write it in the margin. Then it’s all good.
  54. When you really want to be taken seriously, use lots of Comic Sans. This goes double for your church website.
  55. The fact that toddlers will instinctively dance to music with a beat is evidence of their Adamic nature.
  56. Rock music is perfectly acceptable to play in church so long as the person doing it is an evangelist who is demonstrating exactly how wrong it is to play rock music in church.
  57. All families must have as many children as physically possible. This will only lead to economic hardship if you lack sufficient faith.
  58. Halloween is a demonic holiday wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy on the 31st of October. Harvest Festival is a God-honoring event wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy (by complete coincidence) also on the 31st of October.
  59. While we believe that no good Christian should ever go to a godless, atheist, state-run university, that does not stop us from proudly rooting for their godless, atheist football team.
  60. Gluttony is barely a sin and only worth mentioning from the pulpit in the context of a joke.
  61. Always assume your fellow fundamentalists have the best possible motives for their actions. Always assume everyone else has the worst possible motives for theirs.
  62. You talking about my church’s scandal is gossip and backbiting. Me talking about your church’s scandal is instruction and warning.
brought to you by Stuff Fundies Like

Saturday, December 18, 2010

no matter how many tentacles it has

Pope's Astronomer Would be Pleased to Baptize an Alien

Guy Consolmagno, astronomer to the pope, is profiled in the Economist. He says intelligent design is "bad theology" that has been "hijacked" by American creationist fundamentalists. He also would be "delighted" to discover intelligent extraterrestrial life.
Consolmagno curates the pope's meteorite collection and is a trained astronomer and planetary scientist at the Vatican's observatory. He dismissed the ideas of intelligent design – a pseudoscientific version of creationism. "The word has been hijacked by a narrow group of creationist fundamentalists in America to mean something it didn't originally mean at all. It's another form of the God of the gaps. It's bad theology in that it turns God once again into the pagan god of thunder and lightning."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Just What We Were Waiting For

New Bible

The world's best-selling Bible has been revised after a 2002 gender-inclusive version condemned as too liberal failed to sell, its publisher says.

Since 1978, the New International Version has been the most popular Bible among evangelicals, selling more copies than any other version, but the 2002 gender-inclusive edition was a publishing failure, The (Nashville) Tennessean reported.

The new edition published online this month, with printed copies to follow in March, retains some of the language of the 2002 edition but includes changes like returning to using words such as "mankind" and "man" instead of "human beings" and "people" to appease critics.

Jay Phelan, a professor of theological studies in Chicago, says he worries the translators have bowed to pressure from conservatives in preparing the new edition.

"The whole idea that we want to make this constituency or that constituency unhappy is wrong," he said. "You don't do a translation that way. You don't say 'this will make the liberals unhappy' or 'this will make conservatives unhappy.' Your job is to produce the most accurate translation possible."

In 2009, the NIV accounted for 28 percent of Bibles sold in Christian bookstores, followed by the King James version at 16 percent.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Darned Stupid Glittery Vampires

Blame Anne Rice

This is what happens when vampires are trendy for too long... 33 A.D.
"We have to stop this kind of thing now, or else we’ll be dealing with books about zombie-slaying steampunk werewolf Jesus."

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Bluetooth is OK

Satan's Data Connection

The evangelical cult "Paz do Senhor Amado" ("Peace of the beloved Lord") in the interior of Brazil forbids its followers to use any USB technology by contending that it uses a symbol that shows sympathy for the devil.

According to its founder, the "Apostle" Welder Saldanha says that this is just another symbol of Satan, which is always present in all Christian homes.

"The symbol of that name (a name which he doesn't even like to pronounce) is a trident, which is used to torture souls that go to hell. Use only a symbol of those shows that all users of that vile technology are actually worshipers of Satan" - explains the" Apostle".

Measures were taken so that all the USB connections of his followers were exchanged for common connections and even the Bluetooth (sic), which according to Saldanha Welder is permitted, for "Blue was the color of the eyes of our savior Jesus Christ".

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Thursday, December 02, 2010

selective observation

Prayer Effectiveness Grid

Believers all around the world claim that their particular god answers petitionary prayers. An answered prayer is a request that is granted while an unanswered one is not, okay? From experience, all that's going on is something called selective observation, where a believer counts the hits and discounts the misses. Scientific studies have shown that these prayers don't get answered any better than luck. So if believers really want to know if God answers prayer then here's what to do. Keep track.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Friday, November 26, 2010

It's Not Natural

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong
  1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

  2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

  3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

  4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

  5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

  6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

  7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

  8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

  9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

  10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Is This The Real Life?

Is This Just Fantasy?

At a congress of Catholic media, Pope Benedict XVI warned that new technologies could cause people to confuse virtual worlds with our real one. Unfortunately, it looks like there's no salvation for avatars.

At the event, which was organized by the Pontifical Council for Social Communications, the Pope said:
New technologies and the progress they bring can make it impossible to distinguish truth from illusion and can lead to confusion between reality and virtual reality...

...The image can also become independent from reality, it can give birth to a virtual word, with various consequences—above all the risk of indifference towards real life.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Monday, November 15, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Friday, November 12, 2010

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Friday, November 05, 2010


In The Rings of a Tree

Bill Johnson, of Davidson County's Midway community, said he was walking his dog when he saw the log left behind by his landlord, who had cut several limbs fallen from a tree in their neighborhood.

Johnson said he immediately went to find his wife when he saw the image.

"I don't go to church, but I believe in it," Johnson said. "My daughter told me he was trying to tell me something, but I don't know what."

However, anyone who's seen Doctor Who knows that this mark has a much more sinister connotation.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

If we had opened a racetrack or a golf course here, tourists would have come only for the season.

World's Largest Jesus

Swiebodzin, a Polish town of 21,000 near the German border, will soon be home to a 33-metre statue of Christ, which, along with a crown that adds a further two metres and its 16-metre mound will put all other statues dedicated to the son of God in its shade.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

A Small Price to Pay

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 24 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.

We will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

More Than One?

How Many?

Two Dunkers and a neo-Jungian psychoanalyst are having an e-mail conversation about postmodernity and one Dunker cracks a joke that gets the other Dunker thinking.

The question: How many post-Christendom theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
  • None. Its not a task for theologians, stupid! Changing lightbulbs is the missional responsibility of the hermeneutical community of faithful disciples who gather in non-violent humility to light up cities with their good deeds (Matt 5:14).
    --Chris Marshall, associate professor of theology and restorative justice, Victoria University of Wellington (New Zealand)

  • No theologians are needed, but a community of believers who think and change light bulbs theologically, which is to say Christologically, I mean eschatologically, sorry doxologically, no harmartologically, and...wait...where's the bulb?
    --Christian Early, associate professor of philosophy and theology, Bible and Religion Dept., EMU

  • First, they would say you are asking the wrong question. Instead, focus on the reason the light went out. i.e., "How many post-Christendom theologians does it take to bring light where the light went out?" Then you will get answers like, "Many, to redesign the electrical system and the building, or perhaps tear the building down aand rebuild the city."
    --Valerie Luna Serrels, MA student at EMU's Center for Justice and Peacebuilding

  • It all depends on what you mean by "change."
    --Ted Grimsrud, professor of theology, Bible and Religion Dept., EMU

  • Two. One to criticize the Enlightenment and the Industrial Revolution that produced it, and the other to urge the Church to never forget its craft of being Church as they change lightbulbs in the world. (The lightbulb doesn't get changed. This pleases the theologians.)
    --Brian Gumm

  • Four. One to change the lightbulb and three to celebrate the Eucharist, which is the condition of possibility of lightbulb-changing.
    --James K.A. Smith, professor of philosophy, Calvin College

Saturday, October 16, 2010

B I N G O [October 2010]

Buzzword Bingo of Deepest Concern

It's Board meeting time again; here's the latest Buzzword Bingo.

If you're not happy with the sheet that you're initially presented, click Reload until you get a card that looks like a winner.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Faith Healer or Kung Fu Master?


Total knock-downs: 79
Most knock-downs per minute: 18 (minute 4)
Least knock-downs per minute:0 (minutes 13 and 14)
Average/mean knock-downs per minute: 5.27
Median knock-downs per minute: 9.5

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What A Wonderful World It Would Be

Don't Know Much About Religion

A new survey of Americans' knowledge of religion found that atheists, agnostics, Jews and Mormons outperformed Protestants and Roman Catholics in answering questions about major religions, while many respondents could not correctly give the most basic tenets of their own faiths.

Forty-five percent of Roman Catholics who participated in the study didn't know that, according to church teaching, the bread and wine used in Holy Communion is not just a symbol, but becomes the body and blood of Christ. More than half of Protestants could not identify Martin Luther as the person who inspired the Protestant Reformation. And about four in 10 Jews did not know that Maimonides, one of the greatest rabbis and intellectuals in history, was Jewish.

The survey released by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life aimed to test a broad range of religious knowledge, including understanding of the Bible, core teachings of different faiths and major figures in religious history. The U.S. is one of the most religious countries in the developed world, especially compared to largely secular Western Europe, but faith leaders and educators have long lamented that Americans still know relatively little about religion.

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the french I took
But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me too
What a wonderful world this would be...

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Reexamining the Trinity

New Evidence Suggests God Also Had Daughter

In a discovery that biblical scholars say could alter our most fundamental understanding of Christianity, recently unearthed manuscripts suggest that in addition to His Son, Jesus Christ, God also had a daughter.

The documents, found in a cave near the Jordanian-Israeli border and estimated to have been composed circa A.D. 200, recount the life, teachings, and death of Jesus' twin sister, Tammi of Nazareth. According to experts, the revelation points to a more dualistic conception of the divine, one with the male principle embodied in Jesus and the female principle represented by Tammi.

"It's a monumental shift," said Boston College religion professor Paul Ferber, claiming that the newly discovered texts are more significant than the Gospel of Judas or the Dead Sea Scrolls. "Tammi has single-handedly undercut the male hegemony we've come to associate with the Christian faith, and added an important new dimension to the holy scripture."

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Mr Faith Head

His Heart is Always in the Right Place

Mr. Potato Head’s other parts might get mixed up, but his heart is always in the right place! Meet Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, the endearing potato pals that have captured the hearts, imaginations and laughter of kids for generations.

Sunday, October 03, 2010


Buy Me Some Peanuts

Homeland Security officials tell us that there have been at least 32 attempted terrorist attacks against U.S. citizens since 9/11, all of which have failed. Why have we been kept safe from the kind of wholesale slaughter we experienced on 9/11?

Think back to the days immediately following 9/11. Almost immediately a new American tradition was created in major league ballparks, in which a portion of the 7th inning stretch was devoted to the singing of that “God Bless America” by the entire crowd.

The singing of this anthem has been a staple since 9/11 in virtually every major league baseball stadium, and, inspired by baseball’s example, is now a consistent part of pregame festivities at NFL games and NBA games, as well as college football and basketball games.

The significance here is that “God Bless America” is not just a collection of words, not just a song, not just a memorable melody. What is significant here is that “God Bless America” is a prayer.

America has become safe because sports fans, who would rather go to a game on Sunday than church, taking 1 minute of their time to sing “God Bless America.” God appreciates our “sacrifice” of worship.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Flapjack Flap

Pancakes and Prayers

Have we reached a point where even those two can’t get along?

Frankly, yes. So praise the Lord and pass the syrup, the International House of Pancakes and International House of Prayer are fixing to throw down.

IHOP (pancake), based in Glendale, Calif., has sued IHOP (prayer), based in Kansas City, for trademark dilution and infringement. The lawsuit, filed last week in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, essentially said there was room for only one IHOP and that would be the restaurant chain that has been using the initials since 1973.

The religious group drawing thousands from around the world to south Kansas City to prepare for “end times” was started just 10 years ago.

Other than an acronym, the two have nearly zilch in common.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Shred for the Lord

Guitar Praise

Grab the guitar and play along with top Christian bands! Shred those riffs or blast the bass… you add a unique sound to the solid Christian rock. But watch out: if you can't keep up, the artists will take a break and stop the music. Crank it up and try again - you'll soon be rockin' with the best while praising the Lord!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tuesday, September 21, 2010