Frosty_1

Frosty Damned
Church of the Brethren Leader Declares Famed Snowman Will Spend Eternity In Hell

Apparently, being a "jolly, happy soul" isn't enough to get you through the pearly gates - at least according to the Church of the Brethren. The small denomination, known for its commitments to peace, service and ecumenical cooperation, shocked millions of viewers of the nationally broadcast Christmas Eve service on CBS by announcing that Frosty the Snowman is destined to spend eternity in steam. Thousands flooded CBS with phone calls and emails complaining about the vicious attack on the beloved cartoon character in the midst of an otherwise pleasant and upbeat program.

Mention of Frosty and his fate came midway through the brief sermon given by Christopher Bowman, former moderator of the denomination and current Oakton, Virginia, pastor. Bowman began by insulting the snowman's appearance, saying Frosty has "a face that looks like a botox treatment gone bad." Bowman went on to describe the character who has brought joy to millions of children as "cold" and "hard." A few moments later, Bowman drove home his argument that Frosty doesn't belong among the redeemed by stating plainly, "He'll never get it. He can't help himself. He'll never change".

Asked after the service for an explanation, Gene Roop, president of the denomination's seminary said, "It may have sounded like a personal attack, but Chris is just too nice to do such a thing. I'm sure he simply meant that Frosty is not among the elect." Roop added, "I'm sorry if people were offended, but the Brethren have always been willing to take controversial positions. If necessary, we will gladly suffer for our beliefs."

A representative for the Brethren Revival Fellowship, a conservative advocacy group within the Church of the Brethren, was supportive of Bowman. According to a member of their governing board, "It was great to hear someone from our denomination preach the truth - and the truth is, some people are going to hell, whether they like it or not, Personally, I always suspected that Frosty was engaged in an unacceptable lifestyle."

Ecumenical reaction was mixed. The United Church of Christ headquarters in Cleveland, Ohio, indirectly criticized the Brethren by issuing a statement that said, in part, "while some churches may use bouncers to keep cartoon characters out of their churches, we do not. Jesus wouldn't have turned Frosty away, and neither will we." The Vatican put out a press release that claimed Frosty was actually headed for purgatory and recommended that concerned fans sponsor masses in Frosty's memory. Southern Baptists, on the other hand, were generally supportive of Bowman's claim, noting that the reference to "magic in that old silk hat they found" suggested the snowman was involved with occult practices and belonged in hell, suffering forever along with pagans, free-thinkers and liberals of all stripes.

Some offended cartoon fans have begun to picket Church of the Brethren offices in Elgin, Illinois, but so far no apology has been forthcoming. Wendy McFadden, publisher of the denominational magazine, Messenger, has responded, "Chris said it. We believe it. That settles it."