In a turn of events that has stunned the worldwide medical community, local infant
Nathan Jameson, born just six days ago, has become the youngest person ever to permanently and irrevocably lose all faith in humanity.
“This shatters all previous records,” University of Chicago
psychologist Douglas McAllister said Monday. “In all of documented
medical history, there is no case of a newborn taking less than four
months to develop the mental faculties required to grasp the full extent
of this existential nightmare we call life on earth.”
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