Pining For Fjords

It's Not a Dead Spiral

Insuree: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(pause)

Insuree: 'Ello, Miss?

BBT: What do you mean "miss"?

Insuree: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

BBT: We're closin' for lunch.

Insuree: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this spiral what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

BBT: Oh yes, the, uh, the Brethren Medical Plan... What's,uh... What's wrong with it?

Insuree: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

BBT: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Insuree: Look, matey, I know a dead spiral when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

BBT: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable spiral, the Brethren Medical Plan, idn'it, ay? Beautiful coverage!

Insuree: The coverage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

BBT: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Insuree: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the plan)

Insuree: 'Ello, Mister Medical Plan! I've got lovely fresh membership for you if you show...

(BBT hits the cage)

BBT: There, he moved!

Insuree: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

BBT: I never!!

Insuree: Yes, you did!

BBT: I never, never did anything...

Insuree: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO PLAN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes plan out of the cage and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Insuree: Now that's what I call a dead plan.

BBT: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Insuree: STUNNED?!?

BBT: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Brethren Medical Plans stun easily, major.

Insuree: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That plan is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

BBT: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Insuree: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

BBT: The Brethren Medical Plan prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable plan, id'nit, squire? Lovely coverage!

Insuree: Look, I took the liberty of examining that plan when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

BBT: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that plan down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Insuree: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this plan wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

BBT: No no! 'E's pining!

Insuree: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This plan is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PLAN!!

(pause)

BBT: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

BBT: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of plans.

Insuree: I see. I see, I get the picture.

BBT: I got a slug.

(pause)

Insuree: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it provide coverage?

BBT: Nnnnot really.

Insuree: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

BBT: Look, if you go to my brother's office in Bolton, he'll replace the plan for you.

Insuree: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!