Peace Church Colleges Launch "Prozac for Peace" Campaign

Three Indiana colleges affiliated with the three historic peace churches (Manchester College, Church of the Brethren; Goshen College, Mennonite Church; and Earlham College, Religious Society of Friends) unveiled yesterday their new campaign, "Prozac for Peace." Each Institution received a grant from the Lilly Endowment of Eli Lilly and Company, manufacturer of, among other drugs, the anti-depressant Prozac.

When reached for comment, the grant administrators at each college denied any conflict of interest in receiving funding from a major corporation to assist studies which include critical analysis of corporate control of society and government. An intern close to the situation commented, "And certainly we don't see it as them meddling with the church, either. After all, how often do worship and committee meetings really improve your mood any more these days? Our opinion is that the church needs Eli Lilly. The church needs Prozac. And quite frankly, so does the President. I mean, how happy can that guy really be, having to kill hundreds of thousands to show that killing is wrong? It's an enormous burden. I'd even go so far as to say that our president's enemies need it too, after so much loss. How else are they supposed to recover their spirit, living in such horrible times?"

Eli Lilly's PR staff, when asked if the President, his enemies and victims should take Prozac, replied, "If someone in unhappy in any way, we say to them, 'Here, have some Prozac.'" The colleges seem to have taken this attitude as their cue to launch the campaign, and each will offer a new, "groundbreaking" course next semester entitled "Mental Health and World Peace." The course will focus on peace from the microcosm of personal relationships in regards to race, gender, and class, and expand the focus from there to genocide and nuclear holocaust, and how Prozac can help "increase the peace." As one professor slated to teach the new course commented, "If everyone's happy, then there will be no conflict ever again. Prozac will revolutionize the entire application of peace building theory." A Brethren congregation torn apart by conflict over U.S. foreign policy served as a test subject for the "Prozac for Peace" program. The pastor said, "Prozac changed our lives."! One parishioner asked, "War? What's war?" Tests on government officials are still inconclusive.

Allegations that officials from the Mennonite Church USA met secretly with Eli Lilly's top staff to persuade them to test the Church of the Brethren's General Offices first in order to aid the Mennonite's possibility of hostile takeover of the denomination have yet to be confirmed. Similarly, the Church of the Brethren's Annual Conference Program & Arrangements Committee could not be reached for comment regarding the strong resemblance between the 2003 Annual Conference logo and Lilly's logo for their Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder medication, Strattera.