Best If Used By 04/30/03

As the Southern Pennsylvania/Mid-Atlantic Meat Canning Project winds to a close, the Gospel Messenger has discovered that those districts have begun secret negotiations with the animal rights group PETA. "It's not about that wacky veggie Jesus stuff," said an undisclosed source. The canning project organizers are hoping that they can double the output of their efforts by replacing the canned beef with vegetable patties. The vegetarian fare would be subsidized, if not outright funded, by PETA. It would not be the first time PETA has offered veggie burgers to feed the hungry.

In related news, rumors have also been cropping up that VOS will spin off a progressive vegetarian spiritual organization, calling itself BETA (Brethren for the Ethical Treatment of Anibaptists).