Same Old Song

Not waiting for reports at the past weekend's General Board meetings, Board members and staff had already begun on measures to counteract possible budget deficits. Responding to "voices from the pews," an ad hoc group with a nebulous scope and deadline has already leaped to action. Their first accomplishment was a fact finding junket to India to investigate outsourcing of congregational support and resourcing. The savings in staff salaries and benefits could save $220,000 annually which could then be used to subsidize non-General Board programming.

New Links

Over on the right column... In addition to Morons.org, we've added a link to Ship of Fools.

Change Detection Reminder

You can use the "Change Detection" option found off to the right to get notifications of updates to our site.

Performers to Sing at Two Gatherings

The Spongmonkeys have been booked to perform at two Brethren conferences this summer. First, they will be performing in Colorado at the first large scale National Young Adult Conference. Following that appearance, the wildly popular duo will present a late night concert at Annual Conference. As part of the booking arrangement, free toasted communion bread will be provided to Annual Conference. Conference goers will also find a coupon in their registration packets which will be good for a dollar off a foot long sandwich.

General Board Begins New Chapter

In spite of a decrease in 2003's congregational giving, with its recent financial upturn, the General Board has begun its journey to financial independence. "With this first step, the General Board will no longer be accountable to the special interests of individual congregations and districts who try to pose their influence through the threat of withheld giving," said a General Board representative.

DE's Gone Wild

Brethren Press' latest money making venture will be the sale of a risque video of the District Executives partying in Dayton Beach. Watch for "DE's Gone Wild 2 - Charleston" to be released later this summer.

OMA Moves Office to Elgin

Unless the tarps are there because the General Board is procrastinating on roof repairs, it looks like OMA has been putting up their tents in the Elgin General Offices.

General Board Approves Bold, New Slogan

At its October meeting, the General Board approved a bold, new identity line, aimed at defining its niche in the marketplace of US churches and helping it "leverage" itself in the 1990s and beyond.

The line: "Church of the Brethren: We're Kind of Like the Mennonites."

The new slogan grew out of an extensive $2.2 million study conducted by MennoCorp, a marketing and imaging firm loosely associated with the Mennonite Church.

MennoCorp head Levi Smucker was on hand at the Board Meeting to unveil and explain the new slogan. Said Smucker, "In the hundreds of focus groups we conducted, we asked thousands of Brethren to tell us who they are. Again and again we heard 'Oh, uh, we're kind of like the Mennonites.' It became very clear to us that this, indeed, is who you are, or at least who you ought to be. We're quite convinced that this identity line will immediately raise the profile of the Brethren. And even if it doesn't, it certainly will raise the profile of the Mennonites."

Reactions to the new Brethren slogan were largely positive. One sister at the Board meeting gushed, "I've always known deep in my heart that this is who we were but I never could find the right words. MennoCorp has articulated for me what I've always known to be true."

Several General Board staff objected to the slogan, however, on the grounds that it was too sectarian for mainline Brethren. One staff person suggested that the statement be edited slightly from "Kind of Like the Mennonites" to "Kind of Like the Methodists," but the Board was hesitant to tamper with MennoCorp's masterful words.

Also rejected was a suggestion from the Brethren/Mennonite Caucus for Gay and Lesbian Concerns that the line "Kind of Like the Metropolitan Community Church" be substituted. A representative of the Womaen's Caucus spoke vehemently against the slogan on the grounds that it contains the words "Brethren" and "Men." As a long shot alternative, the Caucus suggested "Church of Reconciliation: As Inclusive as We Wanna Be."

MennoCorp has done similar studies for other Brethren agencies and institutions in recent years, all displaying a genius for finding just the right words. Among slogans developed by MennoCorp: "Bridgewater College: Sort of Like Eastern Mennonite;" "Manchester College: Vaguely Resembling Goshen;" "LaVerne University: Really Not Anything like Fresno Pacific;" "Bethany Theological Seminary: A Far Cry com AMBS;" "The Brethren Foundation: Somewhat Similar to the Mennonite Foundation, Only Not as Wealthy;" and "BVS: In the Vein of Mennonite Volunteer Service, But Without All the Christian Baggage."

This article was originally published in the April 1, 1995 edition of the Gospel Messenger

I'll Go If You Send Me (Where It's Warm)

While the vacancies aren't as high as last year, almost 15% of the summer workcamp spaces are still open. That's comprised of a whopping 20% of the young adult slots and nearly 20% of the senior high youth spaces. The junior high youth are doing better, filling over 85% of their allotment. The northeast appears to be the least popular destination as workcamps in MA, DC, and WV have a combined vacancy pushing the 80% mark. The BRF workcamp stacks up last against the rest, having a vacancy of 45%. Maybe they'd rather go to WV.

Wise Guys, Eh?

Question:
   What would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men?

Answer:
   They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts!

Church Publisher May Leave Elgin

Since 1901, millions of Bibles and Sunday school curriculums printed in 120 languages have been launched from Elgin around the world.

But despite the religious nature of the work, the business recently was told by the Illinois appeals court that it is required to pay property taxes for the nine acres it owns in Elgin.

The court agreed with Kane County assessors by saying the Christian publishing company does not qualify for a tax exemption based on religion.

And without a property tax-free status, the corporation eventually might leave Elgin.

Ctrl-Alt-Del

The search continues for a candidate for the position of Director of Computer Operations. The General Board's Human Resource office thought they were close but, at the last minute, a hopeful prospect opted to take a position with Duplo Data instead. It appears that the ratio of work to salary that the Brethren can offer is nowhere close to that of supporting LabOra software.

Brethren Ministries Live Report

Titled “Loving God with Your Gifts,” this year's energetic Live Report will feature a Polish group that helps poor and marginalized youth, along with others, demonstrating their God given talents. Hip-hop music, blaring from several boomboxes—appropriate for the group's interpretive movement—will weave its way throughout the presentation, providing an interlude between videos and other ministry highlights shared by the five Annual Conference agencies.

Fogle Relocating

A California pastor will replace "Eight Is Enough" television actor Lerry W. Fogle as the next "Bibleman," a comic book-style action hero who quotes Scripture to children in a touring ministry.

Fogle, who is relocating to Frederick Md. after fifteen months in the role, plans to "creatively use current technology" to perform his duties while maintaining his primary residence with his family.

Robert T. Schlipp will assume the role next spring. He'll be joined by his wife, Anayansi Schlipp, who will portray Biblegirl.

It can take Schlipp an hour to struggle into his 32-pound plastic and spandex costume, which includes a belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of the spirit.

"Everything Bibleman wears has a meaning, " said Schlipp, 28, though he acknowledges "it's hard to take someone seriously when they're wearing spandex."

MAD Cow

Due to worries about US beef exports, the Mid-Atlantic District would like to reiterate that they are no longer in the practice of canning beef. They also point out that they will be canning chicken again this year. Ever since the British beef scare they have found that packages of beef labeled "MAD" have not been heartily welcomed regardless of the need for food. Last spring, the Southern Pennsylvania and Mid-Atlantic districts processed approximately 80,000 pounds of chicken.

Anniversary Plans Underway

The 300th Anniversary Committee is in the early stages of hatching schemes to celebrate three centuries of Brethrenism in 2008. One idea in particular has caught the Gospel Messenger eye. Some feel that it would be a wondrous and compelling thing if the 2008 Annual Conference could have the look and feel of the first Conference held in 1708. Meetings would be held in tents staked out in a farmer’s field and everyone would be brought in by horse and buggy. Even the Amish would look on, amazed. The first step, of course, is to get all of the conference goers decked out properly. And the foundation for any good decking has got to be beards for the men and prayer coverings for the women. The next phase of this plan will be to encourage participation without compelling it or resorting to queries or legislation.

Why Should I Join the BMC?

Joining the BMC has never been easier. Membership is easy, excellent value for money, and comes with a range of benefits. Some of the services and benefits: Supporting Access & Conservation In a survey, members voted Access & Conservation the BMC's most important work area. The BMC's access work helps to ensure the continued freedom. Summit Magazine Summit magazine is the BMC's quarterly magazine. Full of interviews and articles, training & skills features, access information, comment and current issues, plus loads of great members only offers. As an individual member you will receive the full 64 page edition free and delivered direct to your door. Free world-wide Personal Accident and Civil Liability Insurance As an individual member you receive personal accident disability insurance and personal liability insurance, covering your activities world-wide. This protection could be one of your most valuable benefits of membership. Travel and Activity Insurance Members can take advantage of our specialist and highly regarded Travel & Activity insurance. Policies available range from 3 days to annual, UK, Europe, Worldwide, including cover for most sports. Access to the Information Service Last year the BMC answered over 10,000 requests for technical, medical and travel information. BMC members have access to over 150 free information sheets. The BMC also produce guides and a wide range of other publications written by experts. All discounted to members. Events Discounts The BMC organises and supports a wide range of events. These include youth events, and training in partnership with the Conville Trust. Members Handbook All member benefits are detailed in the BMC Members Handbook, which is distributed annually. The 2004 edition contains all the information and contacts you need to make the best of the BMC. BMC Shop Discounts Nearly all products in the BMC shop are discounted to members, and some are totally free. We've also added a selection of safety products to the range. Hertz Car Rental Discounts With over 7000 outlets worldwide, Hertz is the biggest car rental company around. BMC members can obtain 10% discount on rentals anywhere in the world.

Jesus and the Elves

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by...

Happy Holidays!

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacaphony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself, thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, etc., through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity and via a downward leap, entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of albions floral emblem, the latter that of the prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risibly rolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his miniscule forward in a gesture of leave taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating in reverse the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility, "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

In this, the holiday season, we take pleasure in answering the communication below; expressing, at the same time, our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of the Gospel Messenger:

I am 8 years old, my friends in the BRF say there is no Santa Claus. The VOS list server was shutdown for a time of censorship. Papa says, “If you see it in the Gospel Messenger, it's so”. Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O Hanton

Virginia,

The real question is:

Is the fact that Santa's workshop isn't unionized offset by the fact that he makes all the boys and girls of the world happy one night a year?

I realize now that boys and girls are not, in fact purchasers, but rather receivers of what must be gratuitous benevolence. Ah, but still the alienation persists.

The benevolent one here is not the collection of elves, but rather the jolly man himself. And why so jolly? Because he has the benefit of connecting with the recipients; he sees their happy faces. That's something the hard workers quarantined to the North Pole have yet to experience. So don't be fooled by Santa's red coat this season.

- The Editors

Maybe We Should Stop For Directions

“If all of us are building bridges to heaven, your way is as good as my way,” Ramesh Richard says. “But what if God built my bridge? Then it's not my bridge, it's God's. That's what happened with Jesus.” “Once you put Jesus in the equation of God, you have a problem with other religions.” But, still, is it the only bridge? Or is it simply the best bridge; or merely one bridge among many?

Well We'll Be A Monkey's Uncle

In case you haven't read enough on the dialog about Evolution versus Creationism, and if you've not been swayed by some of the usual arguments, maybe you'd like to read still more.

Or maybe you'd like the straight dope on why we still have monkeys if man has descended from them, or does evolution just fly in the face of the facts?

There's Gold in Them Thar Hills

Brethren Benefit Trust has yet again been caught with its hand in the environmentally and socially dubious investment jar. BBT holds approximately 3,100 common stock shares of the Newmont Mining Corporation. The company, which has mining operations in Latin America, Africa, Asia, Central Asia and the US, has been dogged by allegations that its mines in these countries are polluting local waterways and are harming the health of nearby communities. Some local communities have protested the company's planned operations in environmentally and culturally sensitive areas. Additionally, the firm is currently under investigation by the US Department of Justice over accusations that it bribed officials in to gain ownership of its highly-profitable Yanacocha mine.

BECU Board Nominations

BECU, which will be taken over by BBT, has announced that nominations for positions on its Board of Directors and Supervisory Committee are now being accepted. For additional information on the nominating process, call the Executive Assistant to the President and CEO. The deadline for submitting your request is Wednesday, December 31, at 2:00pm. Interviews will be conducted by members of the Governance and Nominating Committee in early January.

An alternative to the nominating process is to submit a petition with the signatures of 2% of active BECU members, as of October 17, 2003. This is approximately 6,800 signatures for the 2004 nomination process. To request a petition, please contact the Executive Assistant to the President and CEO. Petition signatures must be submitted to the Credit Union by February 1, 2004.

Nominees will be voted on by BECU members at the annual meeting to be held Wednesday, March 17, 2004.

We Prefer to Call it ''Scrutiny''

If your special interest group has not been mentioned on this site it may be that it has been banned as part of a vast conspiracy. Then again, it may be due to a lack of interest or it may be that the baby can't chew it.