Spell Check

 

Do Not Copy

 

Conversion to Fundamentalism

 

Be Better

 

We Don't Need to do Anything

Just as Annoying

The Apologist

How Happy?

Westboro Baptist Church Interview

No Doctor Who?

 via Skeptical Avenger

The Problem...

The Problem With The World

Continuing the Work of Jesus

Now, the Plain Scarf Sneetches
Had black and white scarves.
The Progressive Sneetches
Had rainbows upon thars.

Those scarves weren't so big. They were really so small
You might think such a thing wouldn't matter at all.

But, because of their scarves, all the Plain Scarf Sneetches
Would brag, "We're the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches."
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort
"We'll have nothing to do with the Progressive sort!"
And whenever they met some, when they were out walking
They'd hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Plain Scarf children went out to play ball,
Could a Progressive get in the game...? Not at all.
You only could play if you have simple scarves
And the Progressive children had rainbows on thars.

When the Plain Scarf Sneetches had frankfurter roasts
Or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
They never invited the Progressive Sneetches.
They left them out cold, in the dark of the beaches.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that's how they treated them year after year.

Then one day, it seems ... while the Progressive Sneetches
Were moping and doping alone on the beaches,
just sitting there wishing they had different scarves ...
A stranger zipped up in the strangest of cars!

"My friends," he announced in a voice clear and keen,
My name is Sylvester McReconciliation McBean.
I've heard of your troubles. I've heard you're unhappy.
But I can fix that. I'm the Fix-it-Up Chappie.
I've come here to help you. I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work at great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!"

Then, quickly Sylvester McReconciliation McBean
Put together a very peculiar machine.
And he said, "You want scarves like a Plain Scarf Sneetch...
My friends, you can have them for three dollars each!"

"Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!"
So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked
And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!
When the Progressive Sneetches popped out, they had simple scarves!
They actually did. They had no colors on thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had no scarves at the start,
"We're exactly like you! You can't tell us apart.
We're just the same, now, you snooty old smarties!
And now we can go to your frankfurter parties."

"Good grief!" groaned the ones who had no scarves at the first.
"We're still the best Sneetches and they are the worst.
But, now, how in the world will we know," they all frowned,
"If which kind is what, or the other way round?"

Then up came McBean with a very sly wink
And he said, "Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don't know who's who. That is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends. Do you know what I'll do?
I'll make you, again, the best Sneetches on beaches
And all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches."

Simple scarves are no longer in style," said McBean.
"What you need is a trip through my Rainbow Machine.
This wondrous contraption will color your scarves
So you won't look like Sneetches who have none on thars."
And that handy machine
Working very precisely
It colored their scarves and it did so quite nicely.

Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about
And they opened their beaks and they let out a shout,
"We know who is who! Now there isn't a doubt.
The colorful Sneetches are the best ones about!"

Then, of course, those with plain scarves all got frightfully mad.
To be wearing a plain scarf now was frightfully bad.
Then, of course, old Sylvester McReconciliation McBean
Invited them into his Rainbow Machine.

Then of course from THEN on, as you probably guess,
Things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches
The Fix-It-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.
Off again! On again!!
In again! Out again!
Through the machines they raced round and about again,
Changing their scarves every minute or two.
They kept paying money. They kept running through
Until neither the Plain nor the Rainbow ones knew
Whether this one was that one... or that one was this one
Or which one was what one... or what one was who.

Then, when every last cent
Of their money was spent,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie packed up
And he went.

And he laughed as he drove
In his car up the beach,
"They never will learn,
No. You can't teach a Sneetch!"

But McBean was quite wrong. I'm quite happy to say
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day,
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about scarves
And whether or not they had rainbows upon thars.

Have You Installed Anything New?

History of Biblical Authority

Fundy Uproar and Silly Pictures

Choose Your Moral Majority

Destroyed By God

Angel Rape

Hello Friends

The Teen Stooges

Change is Bad

A Raspberry Seed

Respected Prophets?

Egypt

The List So Far

The Fundamentalist Rulebook

1. I am right and you are wrong. Always.
   
2. Unity Means Agreeing With Me That My Pastor Is Right.
   
3. The less certain something is, the more certain you must appear to be about it.
   
4. If you cannot win an argument with logic you must simply outlast your opponent. Once he gives up, declare victory.
   
5. There is no fight that is not worth fighting.
   
6. The less fun it is the godlier it must be.
   
7. Women’s primary purpose is to serve as a temptation to men. They are also somewhat useful for housework.
   
8. All God’s people shall say “amen.” This is never an inappropriate response.
   
9. If it is new it is bad. If it is old it is good. (with the exception that if it is really, really old then it is likely to be Catholic)
   
10. There is no situation that a good dose of ministerial yelling can’t fix.
    
11. Old Testament rules about sex, tattoos, women in pants, and the death penalty still apply. Old Testament rules about lobster don’t. (That is why we call this the Age of Grace)
    
12. Invitations shall continue until the Spirit is satisfied that enough people have come to the altar as revealed to the pastor. The Spirit shall be extra hard to satisfy on any Superbowl Sunday.
    
13. ON THE INTERNET, BIBLICAL TRUTH IS BEST COMMUNICATED VIA CAPSLOCK
    
14. Mormons are considered to be Christians for the following purposes:
    • National Elections
      
    • Political Talk Shows
      
    • Songs for God and Country Sunday
15. Neither this nor any other list of rules can be considered exhaustive; a majority shall always be unspoken, arbitrary, and subject to change at the whim of the authority.
    
16. It’s much better to have an innocent person die than to tell a lie to a Nazi.
    
17. A man is to be as much of a leader of his own house as his pastor will let him be.
    
18. Thou shalt not speak out against other fundamentalists on any subject that really matters. Keep disputes as trivial as possible lest you risk having your own dirty laundry exposed.
    
19. Spare the rod and spoil the child. (A “rod” being defined as a paddle, stick, belt, spatula, wooden spoon, rubber hose, truncheon, flail, or anything else that happens to be handy)
    
20. A man may not wear glasses connected by a chain for if they should slip off his nose and dangle about his neck, someone may be made to think that he is wearing a necklace and that is the appearance of evil.
    
21. Pastors should preach as frequently as possible on sin — preferably the sins of other people
    
22. Gays are responsible for pretty much every bad thing that happens in America. Africans are responsible for the rest.
    
23. We reject the authority of the Pope to speak ex cathedra on matters of doctrine. That’s what local church pastors are for.
    
24. We believe in individual soul liberty — although we’ve never seen a good reason for anybody to actually use it.
    
25. Dancing is an abomination unless it takes place in a classic film or on the stage of a Gilbert & Sullivan musical at a fundamentalist college.
    
26. The joy, joy, joy, joy must reside down in your heart. (Where? down in your heart!)
    
27. In movies sex is bad but violence is fine. (The Bible contains both but we’d rather you didn’t mention it)
    
28. Prayers must be said before all meals, ball games, and road trips. As long as you’re not using the Lord’s Prayer this is not considered vain repetition.
    
29. When swimming, a woman shall wear enough layers of clothing to double her weight when immersed.
    
30. A Christian taking government aid is a sure sign they are not trusting God. (Not that our church is going to start paying its employees enough to live on, mind you. )
    
31. If you send your child to public school you may as well brand 666 on their forehead and get it over with. No child can emerge from that den of liberalism anything other than a Gay Satanist Democrat.
    
32. There are not two sides to every story. There is only the truth and the lies made up by those liberal compromisers who Satan is using to attack our ministry.
    
33. We deny the mysticism of the Catholics and the signs and wonders of the charismatics. We do, however, have a litany of strange coincidences to get us totally stoked.
    
34. When a pastor gets caught doing wrong his job is to deny, deny, deny. Your job is to back him up to the bitter end.
    
35. “Fellowship” = “Food”
    
36. In a business meeting all in favor of the pastor’s motion shall signify by saying “aye.” All opposed shall shut up if they know what’s good for them.
    
37. If there’s hair touching your ears, there’s sin in your heart.
    
38. Anything that annoys the pastor annoys Jesus too.
    
39. Any church members who is not “here and in their place” during special meetings will be punished by being used as a sermon illustration.
    
40. Nobody is allowed to criticize our ministry unless they have gone out and built a ministry of equal size. (Then we’ll ignore them because they’re liberal)
    
41. Microphone feedback during a sermon is a sure sign of satanic attack against the preacher.
    
42. The truth shall not be allowed to get in the way of any good sermon illustration.
    
43. Any growth in our church is a sure sign of God’s blessing on our ceaseless soul winning efforts. Any growth in your church is due to seeker sensitive gimmicks and soft preaching on sin.
    
44. Alcohol is allowed in your home if 1. It is hidden in cough syrup 2. You pretend not to like it 3. You consume no more than 4 bottles a week.
    
45. Context? Our proof texts don’t need no stinkin’ context!
    
46. The moving picture house is a bastion of wickedness. Watching the same (G Rated) movies at home is just fine.
    
47. If you can’t find a Scripture verse that proves your point, substitute a quote from another fundamentalist instead. It’s practically as good.
    
48. The only proper color for a man’s Bible is black. Men who choose any other color are likely to be the sort who also part their hair in the middle and enjoy cooking a little too much.
    
49. Every date is a potential mate. Not that we’re trying to put pressure on you or anything.
    
50. As much as we dislike Muslims, we do admire the way they keep their women in line.
    
51. Bad things that happen to me and mine are persecution and attacks of Satan. Bad things that happen to you and yours are God’s judgment for your sinful ways.
    
52. The King James version was written to bring the Bible into the language of the common man of the 1600′s. If today’s common man can’t understand it that’s his own stupid fault.
    
53. Adding even one word Bible is sacrilege of the worst kind. Unless, of course, your pastor told you to write it in the margin. Then it’s all good.
    
54. When you really want to be taken seriously, use lots of Comic Sans. This goes double for your church website.
    
55. The fact that toddlers will instinctively dance to music with a beat is evidence of their Adamic nature.
    
56. Rock music is perfectly acceptable to play in church so long as the person doing it is an evangelist who is demonstrating exactly how wrong it is to play rock music in church.
    
57. All families must have as many children as physically possible. This will only lead to economic hardship if you lack sufficient faith.
    
58. Halloween is a demonic holiday wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy on the 31st of October. Harvest Festival is a God-honoring event wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy (by complete coincidence) also on the 31st of October.
    
59. While we believe that no good Christian should ever go to a godless, atheist, state-run university, that does not stop us from proudly rooting for their godless, atheist football team.
    
60. Gluttony is barely a sin and only worth mentioning from the pulpit in the context of a joke.
    
61. Always assume your fellow fundamentalists have the best possible motives for their actions. Always assume everyone else has the worst possible motives for theirs.
    
62. You talking about my church’s scandal is gossip and backbiting. Me talking about your church’s scandal is instruction and warning.

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